The Final Countdown

There are only 80 minutes (give or take a few) left of my sabbatical. I had hoped that at this point I could communicate some profound spiritual experience that has radically altered my outlook on life, but...alas...this is not the case.

On the other hand, I have a certain 6th sense about me lately that has been a continuous gratitude for the opportunities provided by a sabbatical period. Life managed to crowd in on my "break" time that I had hoped to spend blissfully sipping martinis on the beach. But, without this sabbatical, I would not have had the means or time or strength of mind to handle the things that came my way.

I have ruled out many possible causes for the numbness and pain in my right forearm (yes, you read that right). I also found a new spiritual director who has asked some good but difficult questions and has given encouragement to me when I go out on a limb. I have been able to spend 100's of hours considering the nature, character, and actions of God and how He interacts with the world and His people. And I have been served by the poor in many ways -- not the least of which was the cane juice from a street vendor while watching a soccer game at a new friend's home in the garbage village of Mokattam.

I have had much time to learn to accept the "portion alloted to me" in life, such as the possibility of never playing the piano for longer than 10 minutes at a time -- I am most decidedly not yet in a place of acceptance of many things, but I'm in a much better place than I was only 6 months ago. Through my grief, I have recognized that what has been taken away (friends, physical abilities, health) was at one time an amazing gift.

I don't want to take those things for granted.

I am however, moving back into "normal" ministry with a fair amount of fear, which has been difficult to admit. Mostly, I am afraid because I know who I am -- and if I am this broken and sinful when I am rested and have the space for God -- what will happen when I am once again busy with the activities of ministry? Even when I had the space, I wasn't very diligent in using that time well with the Lord.

Overall, I have an amazing life. But it can churn at a speed faster than light. The time for reflection and expressions of deep gratitude must be stuck in-between these great moments. A Christian kind of multi-tasking. I may need to express my joy over new believers while packing for my next travel assignment. I don't want to live this way. I love what I do. And I am longing for this 6th sense of wonder and a heightened sense of gratefulness to grow. For those of you who know me at all, let alone those of you who know me well, you will know that dark humor and pessimism seem to rule the day -- gratefulness is a gift to me, not just from me.

As I return to work, please pray this for me. And also that I might make the space for God in order to be properly reflective on the many many gifts He has given me. Thank You.

Soon, I will post an update on my trip to Cairo and to let you know what is ahead for me in the coming year. After that, I may switch to a website or new blog or...none at all. The time spent on blogging may be required for reflection...